My world centres around my art, my writings, my dogs, growing things,making things and watching one or two television programmes obsessively, Bones,CSI (any version) and The Great British Bake Off, in other words, from the gruesomely realistic to the gorgeously edible. I use my lap top and my PC far more than most. I live a 'virtual life' as do many thousands of others. Facebook beckons over breakfast. e mails demand before dinner, catch ups and reviews,articles and various blogs I follow; entice before tea.
I prefer my own company, am happy to Skype, FB or exchange little video snap shots of life and carry on regardless working through the day at various times. I am self employed, enjoy my work and combine my various interests as a way of funding myself through life. Genealogist, Consultant and Author, Photographer , Artist and Blogger. None of which on there own make me a living, but the combinations make me an income I can cope with on a monthly basis.
So a pretty together female, who keeps herself, has a lot of energy usually, can be opiniated, pro active and all the other little facets to make up my personality...then today, well......................
I am so cross with myself this morning, after months of being 'good' I turned into a mealy mouthed and negative wit batting person. I am dissapointed with myself. I have had life lessons for over 60 years now, things to be, say,do which worked, didn't work, should have worked and all the experiences inbetween.
Putting my foot in it because I have had very little sleep is not a good thing. I have more control than that...or rather I thought I had more control than that. Instead, a gentle enquiry from a well meaning Till girl at Tesco today had me rip into a series of cutting and vicious and unusually for me gender and various other based comments meant purely to display my own anger, bruised feelings and annoyance. Poor girl didn't know what to say to me except...'oh thats awful'
I came home to the usual excited welcome of my dogs and realised that living a reclusive life has a really bad effect on communications with others. Over share, excited verbalisation of everything in your head....or total voluntary mutism seem to be the extremes and on a sliding scale a mix of the two can be the reactions and responses to being exposed to other human beings when the norm is to see not a living soul for weeks on end.
The poor Tesco Till Girl had received ( almost one could compare it to or make an analogy of the PC when it 'dumps data indiscriminately') the entire contents of my head in a vicious swiping, cutting commentary about a situation I have found myself in and a very negative phone call the previous evening. The result was a sleepless night, an inability to work and the pent up thoughts and anger which had been repressed 'burst through' the normally trap like 'lips seal'........she got it, I said it, I own it...and I wish I had saved it for the real people responsible. The display was short, not particularly public insofar as there was just one chap in the queue behind me, but.I feel cross with myself.
I need to process why I lashed out without thought at the situation. Am I feeling far more threatened than I have been willing to admit, am I in need of a short delve into humanity and a bit more exposure to other people, what made me that person....and once its sorted in myhead, I am so not going to Tesco for a few weeks...embarrassed , I owe the till girl an apology, she didn't need to know the negatives...and I didn't need to vent at her, but she handled it well and I need to go sort out what I really do need to do...........tell the person responsible exactly what I think.
Engage brain before using mouth syndrome .
