Packing Up

2008 Cumbria

 I am determined to have my Adventure, if all else fails and the Camper Van is beyond my finances then the car will do...so I tell myself haha
So I had a practise run and :-
I packed my car today in such a way it shouldn't be too uncomfortable to live in if I fail the camper van idea.I got rid of lots of stuff I knew I would never need or use again, so I am better prepared. I even managed to make a bed of some kind in my car, an actual bed...amazing what two inches of foam can do, and a thick ruggley blanket (thank you Mum and Pat) which I had bought for me last Christmas.

The dogs have their bed too, a thick duvet over the suitcases , a silver foil layer to stop any damp from the dogs or from the car getting into my decent clothes, a nice sleeping bag and two good pillows so they don't bang against any sharp edges.

My 'office' is a plastic box and contains all the receipts I need and the paperwork so I can finish my Tax records for 2014 and 2015 because of course I can't work once my adventure begins, it will be a fact finding mission , Of course I will be keeping all the receipts and stuff because that will be part of my tax claim once I begin the next years books.

In the front of the car are a few little bits and pieces I won't need for a while and on the floor at the back of the car is my wonderful collection of paints and carving tools and various other arty things.
On the front seat (folded down) is space for me to carry my photography gear, my laptop and kindle and my soon to be very important telephone. I won't be able to do a great deal without some form of communication and all that very expensive to replace equipment is central to my future possible life style.

I need to be able to work for myself, I need to create an income and I need to be safe as I travel around, what better way than to do exactly what I am doing now.....making my journey public. Don't be under the illusion I am setting off on this adventure to suffer or to be endangered.I have no intention of placing myself in harms way, but I will log where I have been, where I am heading and meeting people, going to specific areas in as safe a way as is possible...record, date, post when I've left the area but it will be uploaded on the day...double safety as far as the records are concerned.

I am setting off to enjoy my life, the last decade when I will be fit enough, healthy enough to survive any of the challenges thrown at me.
A wild adventure to round off a lifetime of dramas and challenges...appropriate I think :D

We are what we Tweet

Nanny Goat Park Children's Wild Flower Project

Why am I going into the  blog arena with such openness ?
For the first time in our media concious lives 'we' are the centre of the media storm, every single individual has at last , truly gained their fifteen minutes of fame and are able to orchestrate the music, design the page we appear on, write the script and fill out the Desert Island Disc list to perfection.

Psychologically our very peer driven world is set up to believe something 'just because it says so in the blurb'.
The number of followers you have on Facebook, the amount of Tweets you make on Twitter or again the followers you garner. Have become the criteria you are evaluated by.
The images you post on any of the social media sites have become part of many interview processes, are you rolling round drunk in any of them, have you posted something offensive in the PC rule book. What was it you did last Summer? Are those people your family !!!

Social Media has become the standard by which you gain a Social Proof which can as a consequence influence your business world, you working life, your social life and all because of numbers.
If you have hundreds or thousands of likes / favourites/ followers on individual sites then the 'peer pressure' activates its unseen presence in the onlookers thought process.

'Well, (you say to yourself) they must be good if they have ten thousand followers' and you click on like /follow to be part of the 'in' crowd. Not everyone is driven this way, but a substantial amount of people ARE and as a result you can see fame accrued simply because someone has so many followers. Not especially because they are particularly good at something, but because they know 'how' to gain followers.

Every post you make, every image you upload has a resonance to an individual, for some an image may be delightful, for others offensive but what it will do is inspire a click or a moving on  moment..either way, you have influenced someone's thought processes and as 'they' see your name more often, they will eventually come to 'know' you.

They will learn your views on partying, politics. art, humour, music,problem solving,quotations, just by scrolling through your tweets they can discover so much about your personality and that scrolling through' is something modern day employers actually do these days. So many people can and do access your social media site, even the Government and some departments access Social Media Sites to obtain information, to discover your whereabouts or your working schedule.

It all becomes part of you, the individual and it is gaining in importance as more and more new inventions and twists on the social norm become added.Each new application from the new I Phone to the Google Glasses is designed to let you and others be 'in the know' about literally everything.

There are of course dangers, I highlighted one of the dangers in my blog about the Internet Lover the Thief of Hearts on the Silver blog (see links, but thieves of the more materialistic kind access 'us' too, as do other darker forces. Recently a whole series of you-tube uploads arrived to inform us all that uploading your child's image via a mobile phone could lead to the child being identified right down to the school they attended. It isn't fantasy, it is, unfortunately fact. That isn't the whole of it all but it is a growing trend in our modern world to access information on anyone, irrespective of their own preferences. Selecting the right settings, being aware of what we post, tweet, write, has become a real need.

Individuals now have to consider if they post some things, will it affect their job application, Uni application and so on. We are becoming more aware now than ever before that we really are what we tweet and that post you made when you were in a bad mood had better disappear, those horrible pictures of you falling out of the taxi with your friends when you had all had too much vino had best be deleted.

For me, my current situation is probably one of the most dangerous a woman can suffer. I am alone, I am technically homeless, I am elderly, I am disabled, and I feel pressurised to 'be like everyone else' and I don't know how. I can't 'go into a refuge' they don't take dogs, and I am not having my poor boys put to sleep for the convenience of whatever organisation wants to pop me into a nice file/box/category...I can't do that, they are completely reliant on my looking after them, I took them on knowing that, so I am going to fulfil my obligations for them, and if that means we sleep in the car, then that's what we do. But to make things safer, easier, I decided that being as public as possible would at least give me a little edge, I am traceable, see-able. albeit on the internet, but if something goes wrong...I will have left a trail of posts and tweets.
.
what we are all now having to learn is :-

we really are what we tweet......

A Pair of Earrings

CD cover 2007 All the pretty crystals

Making a check list before you lock down a series of packing modules is simple; you ask yourself what are you going to actually need every single day.
My list has no option but to centre around the two little beings who need me, my dogs.
They need a walk every single day at least four times because they will, like myself, spend a lot of time in the car. They will have a job to do at night, being watchful on my behalf, they will need rest because they will run a lot on those 'walks' and be wet and tired and hungry and thirsty. So ever single day, they must have food, water, walks.Their bed will need airing daily, they will require drying off if they are wet, looking after in other words and every day, their beds will need checking for fleas (just in case) because that's one thing I don't want on my flesh euwww. An accessible waterproof plastic box will hold their leads, harnesses, coats, brushes,oils,tablets,nail clippers,a towel to dry them with and dry dog food because wet dog food is impracticable on the move.Extra collars, leads and devices for calming like a cuddly toy for Caesar who will lick and love and hug it, a chew for Jake who will gaurd it with his life and Caesars as well if he tries to eat it!

Constant to the looking after the dogs is the looking after me, so an easily accessible set of clean clothes for emergencies is an absolute. Notice 'for emergencies' when you get wet, cold sets in fast, I can't afford to be cold. When you get tired and wet, you get careless because your distracted so that's a definite no no no! each aspect of keeping neat, clean and tidy has to be addressed in the main, by being in the car. A small plastic, waterproof box holds my daily care kit, the wet wipes, for an 'instant wash' the manicure set for clean nails, the makeup in case I am going out into the wide public world, the hair brush and the hair clips/tags/bands and of course a pair of earrings.

Earrings are important, washing and tidying is important but once those earrings are in place,,dangling from your ears they act as a signal and a symbol. Peoples eyes are drawn to sparkle, so sparkle earrings are a bonus. Distracting the eye of the beholder helps to alleviate the sense your being 'stared at, stops the paranoia because living on your own with no one but woofits to talk too..can lead to isolated thinking which causes the deeper over analytical think tank tipping you head first into the drowning fears of paranoid thought.So a little sparkle on the ears helps...a lot.

So two boxes, one for the dogs, one for me...and we have the image making , socially acceptable appearances sorted...good thinking batwoman!

Landlords From Hell

I am not angry at life, I am here precisely because I have been stupid and too trusting I really did need to learn the lesson, because I don't think after this adventure, I don't think I could do it again. I am tired, and I am feeling very annoyed both with myself, and with the circumstances of my past.

I seem to attract Landlords who appear very urbane, very sympathetic, quite nice people. By the time life has been lived a little they change. One stole my deposit, £600 he made up a pile of complaints and reasons and despite me having witnesses he had lied...what chance did I have, he was a millionaire, I couldn't afford the solicitor and that's something Landlords seem to rely on...that as a little minion...you can't afford to fight. You can read that little drama in full here :-
I'm a Drama waiting to happen

The next Landlord let me have his flat, I was so grateful I failed to listen to the warnings from all and sundry, he slammed the rent up time and time again until from 420 a month it hit 520 a month and I was the one who did all the rooms up, plastered and painted and paid for the majority of it...but then he did donate the left over wall paper from his house and a tin of paint.........I ended up owing him rent but in the end I pay it to him a fiver a week on standing order knowing I will pay till I die..why?

Because he slammed charges on the debt itself, lots of charges, so many that the other tenants have as much as £22000 on one £12000 on another..because he had the exterior of the building done up....and never paid the poor man who did the work either, instead he did what Millionaires seem able to do so well...he used the law and one builder who went bankrupt because of delayed payments never got a penny...so the Landlord is charging the tenants for the work he never paid for ..grrrrrrr that makes me so mad. The big problem was , for all of us, there was a tiny little clause in the tenancy agreement and it didn't really make clear exactly what it was he was doing...then he did it. The whole of the charges make up the whole of the cost of his not as yet paid for upgrades and there is not a thing, any of us can do unless we go to court and....yes he is the millionaire, we are the plebs, the udnerdogs who cannot afford enormous solicitor bills and of course he can...and claim it against his taxes thus it costs him nothing and would break 'us'...clever eh.


My next landlord seemed so nice, so kind and helpful, and when the next lease was due, he promised it, I wanted it, I paid the rent on spec only the new lease never arrived. I hit an issue, a letter arrived, he had taken my deposit from the secure bank because' the lease was not renewed'. I telephoned and played stupid, asked if I could pay the rent in two halves as it was just after Christmas...he accused me of receiving rent rates from the council which wasn't true, accused me of claiming my rent via the council again a lie and I had already paid one half of the rent......

In the meantime my friend on hearing this, offered me her country house while I got back on my feet, offered to let me stay 'for as long as I liked, stay till I was an old woman' and it was PERFECT...

..............so I told him to keep the deposit he had already taken and I would leave, which I did.leaving him with half a months rent to use for any 'repairs' he decided I was due to pay...after having decorated throughout by the way. Still he attempted to contact me, for whatever reasons...I don't care, I don't want to care, why should I...the stress of that time was horrible.

Where I am now, is as a guest in my friends summer residence. It was kind of her to invite me, but technically I am still homeless in terms of my own space which I alone am responsible for. Though I feel quite happy here in this beautiful idylic spot, I am also very aware that as a guest I have no rights and all she need do is say 'go' and I would be obliged to do so. Not that she has, I am not saying she would either, simply...I know it could happen and that is very unsettling. So I began processing the past thanks to my time here, I have been looked after and virtually retired from hard work and worry for 8 long months now and it has been a healing and lovely experience.
But I need 'my' space, so I am planning, not to be silly or cause myself harm or distress my family, but I am planning, my own life MY way.

Landlords, Landladies..............those who are decent then treasure them, but my own experiences are not so pleasant, greedy, money grabbing and avaricious breed, a contemptible breed.  Landlords are not trustworthy in my personal experience and the more money they have, the more they want, the more nasty ways they find to get it. What a breed to belong too.

Go talk with them, they will justify every penny they take, took, are taking, they will have that smarmy 'smiley' serious face that is oh so compassionate and they feel so hard done by...and its a lie, go look into their pasts with the fine tooth comb the media would use, and find the stories they hide, the times they did whatever. Oh I know some of it, the one with the big boat and a bad cocaine habit, the sudden upping of insurance to gain greater loans against a building, the lies and the cheating to do some poor soul out of a few pounds...they all do it. Some Landlords..........those I have come to know rather well..........are rotten to the core.

The Last Great Adventure

Harlech Sunset 2006

Well you have read my back ground, I am no saint, but neither am I one of the great sinners in the world. I have lots of things going on in my world right now reaching a crossroads isn't the comfiest situation. At 63 I just came to realise if I am to have an adventure it will really have to be a now or never situation. That is precisely what it is, by the time I am in my 70's which lets be honest is only 6 and a half years away....I might be physically, mentally and emotionally unable to comply with the dream, the desire which has haunted me for several years now.

I am going to be travelling  through the country to find where I belong. I haven't a clue where to go, nor do I have a proper plan as yet, but I will do what is needed to make sure I get things right.
My dogs are a worry, I don't want them feeling lost and lonely, of course they are coming with me, they are a comfort and a pleasure and my companions.
They ask for nothing more than a walk and some food, that's all and I love them to bits. So I am off and away to some place I can be me in.......but where is another matter.

I am test running doing my adventure in the car...but know its a camper van I need, this is just an emergency solution if I fail to get enough finances together to buy an actual van.

I packed my car as a trial run yesterday, I just about managed to squeeze in all my possessions, I have to leave the boot of the car free for the dogs to sleep in so I made the bottom of the boot hold my suitcases with a few clothes in and then put a duvet and a sleeping bag over the top. My boys will ride in the back in a roomy boot , peering out of the windows at the people driving behind. They will like that.
Of course I can stop frequently and let them out, give them a short walk somewhere so they don't get too bored, they will enjoy that too, all those new smells and exciting new spaces.

After my experiences in my forties as a homeless person  for me, it is a case of 'get used to it again' I need to find the right lay byes, the right spaces where I can sleep over in safety. Many council car parks forbid that now, they don't like you sleeping in your car and they don't like you sleeping in a camper van in their car park either so those sort of places are out of my choice box.
I will find little spaces, away from traffic and away from other people and just get my head down.

The logistics of finding a loo when you need one are easy enough, head into the local town, park up somewhere close by and a quick dash in and out and thank the gods for Tesco, Asda and Morrisons all of whom tend to have a decent enough loo available.

I need to make sure I haven't over packed, clothes are an issue, when you have really nice clothing and you have to give it away it doesn't half hurt the old ego, and making sure your clean is important too. I used to (and will again) go into the disabled loo's and have a wash and a clean up, the facilities are usually quite good in disabled loos and as I walk with a crouched back sometimes when its really sore, then I don't get many people questioning my right to its use. Mind you, going in looking scruffy and coming out dressed in clean jeans, clean T shirt and a fresh face with soaking wet hair doesn't go down too well so that sort of visit is usually a one off because I am leaving the area.

Food is never an issue, apart from the fact lots of places sell hot food on the hoof, there are supermarkets and cafes and of course there is always the old primus stove to heat water and make a coffee. That's my one luxury, proper, decent coffee. I love the stuff so when I boil a pan of water on the little primus stove I have, I have real coffee grounds and enjoy that coffee like it was manna from heaven.

Time isn't an issue either, my photography is important to me, so lots of images, I love making little videos so that's another little moment filled, I have research to do because I am doing my genealogy and I draw and paint so my art things are with me and I will use them eventually. I also love research and so I am going to do some of the things I have always wanted to do....collect fairy stories from the old days from the local libraries and make sure I have as many as possible to record.

One day, I will have my own place again, when I do, I will take all my research and happily collate the evidences and the stories and re write them into modern language and perhaps that will be my legacy to the word, a new book on mythology :)
you never know.

so its getting closer, the time I will move on, its getting closer and I am getting through the cold, hearthurt and miserable stage and beginning to look ahead, to a new way of being me.....its on its way...........
The Last Great Adventure, The Last Walk.........I am really going to do it

Tally Ho!

My Family

My Beautiful Babies 35 years ago

I have 4 children, ten grand children and probably, before I apply for my Halo and Wings there will be great grand children sometime or other. I am not an unnatural Mother, but I am not really a conventional one either.

Because of my life style my contact with all of them is sporadic. Oh I love them, even when I am not in their lives like a conventional Mum I stay in touch, the odd phone call, a message on social sites, the occasional meeting up. But I am not there, not now anyway.

I used to be. I was the constant, the one who was there to be leaned on, relied on, called upon but eventually, as my children grew I became disengaged. They develop their own lifestyles, their own social circles and their own personalities become 'in control' of their adult lives and slowly but surely the distance between us all grows greater.

My eldest girls lives over in Staffordshire, my eldest lad over in France, my youngest girl lives in Crewe my youngest boy lives in Merseyside and there are grand children in Australia and the rest are scattered around their own parents.

So we don't communicate very often, when we do its sporadic, sometimes its all hugs and cuddles, occasionally it is less restful as we gather for a funeral or for a reason less than pleasant.
In the main however, I often get the feeling my children breath a sigh of relief when they don't hear from me, as it means I am off and about on my travels somewhere and not likely to ask for anything or get in the way of whatever they themselves are doing.

That feeling I have stems from when their father disappeared with his younger version female, replacing me as soon as the children where in their teens. I fell apart, my entire world crashed round my ears and within the first 2 years, if I could make a wrong decision I seemed to have cornered the market in doing so...and I became an embarrassment to my poor children. Something they never truly got over. Eventually the children were all settled in their own homes and my own world quietly crumbled into a mess of debts from my now divorced marriage and a huge mortgage I couldn't afford and the inevitable happened, I became homeless.

That was my first and worst moment after a lifetime of dramas unseen and hidden from the world, it was finally a drama I couldn't hide, I was left bereft of comfort and no where to go to.
Not to my children that's for sure, they were all in there first flush of adulthood, the last thing they needed was a crippling mother stay, I couldn't do it to them. When asked 'what will you do? as I disclosed my status, I said simply 'Have an adventure'. So I packed my car with all I could manage, and took off into the wide blue yonder...well not so much blue as teeming with rain and a dark September night. I had no where to go, no one to turn too and no way of providing for myself and so I drove up the M6 and turned off into a wild country lane and slept in my car and there began my first adventure into homelessness..

Now my children are in their 40's and here I am designing The Last Great Adventure. Doras' daughter is going to be an explorer !

If ever one of my family have needed support I have done all I could, moved heaven and earth, sold my own stuff, worked extra shifts, anything, to help. Including letting them sleep in my bed, take over my little one bed flat and stay....I have done all of it. They never had to ask, just let me know what was needed. I have driven 80 miles to baby sit, 400 miles to Nanny,opened my home up and said...sleep here to whichever and whomever needed a place to stay, somewhere to be safe. I've emptied my bank account, sold my things and given them the money. Paid off their debts, filled their bellies and covered their sleeping selves with my own duvet while I've slept in the bath or on the floor with my dressing gown as a blanket. I've taxied and moved stuff and been there for them, all of them, in their hour of need. Not because I wanted anything back, but because they needed and I could help.

They were not really given an opportunity to help me, I hid as much as I could then, and have done so ever since. Part of me wants someone to just wave a magic wand, give me a home I can love and look after me....the other side of me, the rebel, thinks differently and it is the Rebel Cause I am upholding. I am making the best of a bad situation and my resolution to it is.......an adventure,

This is Me

199                                                          
Well I look loads different from the first time I was homeless (another lifetime ago you can read about it in another blog sometime.) but then...20 years makes a pretty big difference to your weight and the map on your face. I'm more tired now than I used to be and I am not as fit as I was then.......but I have mentally a lot more fight in me than I used to have.

So here I am, five foot small, over weight, not very fit, loads of issues physically because I have some arthritis, rheumatism, 9 collapsed discs in my spine that sort of thing.. Ideally I would love a mobile home type thing, a converted bus would be heaven...Doras (my Mum) Daughter The Explorer.
I'd paint it mad colours and furnish it with all my favourite colours and materials and personalise it.

In fact, out of all of this shenanigans I did decide that before I get into a house or a flat or whatever I would by hook or crook find myself a converted van (a factory made vehicle is way beyond my financial capabilities) and so, the great plan has been born.
I have....50 quid so far, enough for one tyre I think but its one tyre less to save up for...so I am on my way to making the final gesture and leaving...and before I do, I will earn as much as I can from my daytime job...which I began yesterday and will last a whole week, to earn as much as is humanly possible in the circumstances.


Adventure here we come. I hope, well I am going to give it my absolute best shot. Dreams rarely 'come true' they take hard work, focus and determination. I took the first step by simply uploading the process of reaching a crossroads, by processing the past and leaving it behind, by being me in fact.....ready, willing to try and above all, not giving up just because currently I can't see how to get a van so its.....tally hoooooooooooooo

My Boys

Caesar

This is my boy Caesar, he's a rescue dog. Suffice to say he is nervous and occasionally a bit barky, but in the main he is a good dog. He is still learning about socialising and doesn't have a good attitude to other dogs because of his own experiences but I live in hopes he will calm over time and become easier to introduce to other dogs and learn to play.
For him currently, any other dog has to be dominated, as soon as they roll over and give up, he is a happy boy and just wants to play, rough play admittedly, but he isn't a danger to people and he isn't a danger to other animals...as long as he is with me.
Horses are just dogs with long legs, sheep are dogs with woolly jumpers, he's eager to say hello, but not interested in fights. Off lead I don't know, I wouldn't trust him because I didn't have him from being a puppy so I have blank sports in his background that means I don't leave him with someone unless they know his nature and can look after him properly.

Jake

This is Jake, he's a little so and so. Nearly ten years old and an absolute sweetheart until he meets other dogs. I sort of rescued him because my daughter couldn't have pets in her new home so he came to me. He's cuddly and loving, absolutely adores sleeping under a duvet snuggled up against my back....but he is a holy terror with other dogs. Absolutely fearless he has 'little dog syndrome' not at all friendly with any other animal except Caesar and even that's a bit of a challenge at times. But I can't abandon him just because he is a spoiled brat with a bad attitude because when push comes to shove, this little lad would die for me. He is , as I said before, absolutely fearless and will defend me from anything and any one...for that, I have to pay respect and he has my allegiance because loyalty like that is priceless. So I defend him from himself. I don't let him loose, I never let him walk off lead, I make sure he isn't near other dogs and I attend to his needs and spoil him rotten because this little lad isn't very well. He suffers epileptic fits and when they happen they are awful but they are usually associated with fleas or chemical grass killer that sort of stuff so I don't use anything on him except olive oil and a good comb and brush.

So you have met my two boys, they come with me everywhere and next..you can meet me :) the Shaman...see my next blog

Those Itchy Feet!

Ceasar and me 2014

I have opened this blog with one view in mind...I am so not going to 'walk into that good night' without kicking and screaming all the way.
Whenever I go through the old Pearly gates or 'the other place (note to self, stairways to heaven.....highways to hell...) I will slide sideways through the gates with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a cream cake WITH chocolate in the other screaming 'what a ride'...but I will not be shuffling off the mortal coil in a whimper.
Why am I even thinking like this ?

because I have come to a huge, massive cross roads.

I have been sofa surfing in a friends country residence. Real luxury and invited to stay as long as I wished, which was totally sweet of my friend but as a guest, you have no rights, no real way of doing or being anything other than a guest.

I can't set up my studio as I wish, even though there is room for one. Too messy, and once a studio is set down it takes months to get right and months to empty if you have to do that.

I can't go out and redesign the garden, that would be rude.

Little things, silly things but if ever you have the opportunity to be someone's guest for a length of time, you will know exactly how I feel right now.

The house of course, will be sold at some time and that unsettling thought caused me to re think my world.

The cross roads is simple really, once this house is sold which could be next week, next year it is after all worth millions so not many buyers in that arena, then I will be homeless. That is, I am already homeless in the factual sense, I am a guest, not a resident, or a tenant. A guest, and I will have to move on.

I have been a guest for 8 months, it was a wonderful gesture, amazingly generous and simply the most beautiful place I have ever lived in, in my entire life. I have in fact, despite technically being homeless, lived the life of a millionaires s without the costs involved because my friend won't let me  pay for a thing.

All I have had to do, is rest, recuperate and recover from a long illness which had undermined me to the point of exhaustion. My friend is returning me to life instead of existence as I did for them during a crisis, one good turn as they said, deserves another.

It has truly been wonderful. But it won't last forever.I will have to think my life through, make my choices and ready myself. That has been a huge process.

It is all down hill from here. OR its the start of an Adventure and I am choosing the adventure because that is living and I have never done existence before and it was boring and made me old before my time. Being here has been cathartic and healing and wonderful...but those itchy feet !!!!