Its really exciting and also quite a scary moment in my life.
I have never done something 'just' for me, as a planned action. I don't mean the day to day decisions of , do I eat a cream cake, or not and that sort of thing. I mean deciding to completely challenge my life, and actually fulfil a hearts desire and concentrate on my own wants and needs in the teeth of so many obstacles. I have learned to love myself after years of judging myself as 'not worthy'. But will I, once I have executed my plans fully, will I still love me when I have my next birthday. Will I still love me when I am 64.......more to the point, will I still love me when I am 92?
I am letting go of so much, the very things so many people are working towards, a roof over their heads, a solid bank account, a decent job, the responsibilities of paying water rates and electric bills, sky and so on. Its all going, I won't even have a letter box, only a box number or a care of address.
I don't have anyone else to consider really, all my children are in their own world, developing their own lives with their own families and / or friends and heavily involved to their own paths. That is great and wonderful and I am pleased for them. Being in their 40's plus means that truly, I can leave them to 'get on with' whatever they need to get on with. Mum and my Sister are together and happy with that arrangement. I certainly wouldn't fit into any of their lives, two dogs, highly independent and loving loud rock music...doesn't make me an ideal companion in anyone's home :D
My friends call me the Scarlett Pimpernel anyway...so all of that is OK.
No the biggest halt sign is myself. Its the huge big blue one with half a dozen routes marked on it, several roundabouts and a few sets of lights, because just as I am approaching the entry onto the highway of choice...I am having second thoughts and third and fourth thoughts.
The best way I can describe it is I am doubting my own strength and focus. I know this dream has been part of my thoughts for several years, I understand my own nature and I am perfectly aware of my own positives and negatives...basically I am just ever so slightly scared.
Not of the journey itself, or even meeting people and organising it all..I am scared that once I start it, I won't stop. I won't come to an end and discover the home of my dreams with the big piece of land and the ability to grow my own food and all that other stuff, no I am scared that I will like what I am doing so much....I won't want it to stop.
The idea others might join me, might become a Convoy (and thereby lies another story) 5/ 10/ 20 little old ladies, all in camper vans, trailing around the country, a continuous journey of adventures and challenges and .........yes, I rather think that would be a strong likelihood ..... is both facinating and again, scary. But that I might just be 92 and still driving around..........now , as I write it, I am not too sure I AM scared. I think maybe I am scared more that I might dislike my adventure so much I really will settle for the twin set and pearls life with a TV, a cat and a single bed flat in a council block...oh dear,me.
UPDATE
I have moved into a private rent 'for the time being' while I gather more resources, the plan........IS GOING AHEAD !
In fact, I now have two ladies who also want to join in, our convoy of three mobile vehicles of assorted design and capabilities has been discussed agreed on and we are all working towards actually getting out there and having the adventures of our lives, at last.
