2007 WALES
The great seas of words which swirled in an uneasy tide waiting to crash on the keyboard shore. The vast lakes of sentences, paragraphs, half written stories with huge depths of creative visualisation wait. Sometimes turgid with anxiousness to be written, sometimes placid in the heat of the days dreams and have finally, with great trepidation, some have been been submitted for review by a reputable Publisher.
There is light at last.That horrible tunnel of boredom and feeling unable to control my world is fading. I submitted one of my books 'Have You Been To The Well Jeanie' at daft of the clock this morning and as soon as I clicked on 'send' I felt the weight of those words and all the others, lift from shoulders like a Chinese Lantern floating up and away into the sky. RELIEF !
I can't stop writing, it has been my escapism,my relief from so many dramatic situations,my enjoyment all of my educated life. On my PC, in a box which has travelled with me through so many different adventures and in my head, words swirl around. Some have been recorded, others wait impatiently to be written. Once committed to some sort of device, paper and on occasion even filmed they stop their ceaseless sounds in my mind.
I felt no courageous act had been executed by clicking 'send' but it was, in its own way such an act.
Reading myself to myself is one thing, having someone who has no sympathies of friendship, clanship or family connections read your written words is an entirely different sensation.
One discovers a needy thread of query in your mind , 'will they like it', 'is it good enough', what if..... and a thousand demons of insecurities demand your focus, stamp their tiny feet of anxiousness to drum the roll of fear through an otherwise peaceful moment of reflections.
Of course I have no idea how my book will be reviewed, it is no longer something I can control and that is the light I finally discovered at the end of this particular tunnel. After years of reacting to an over controlled past I finally chose, all by myself and of my own free will, to let go. I genuinely cannot control the forthcoming events and I have, for the past 23 years been so controlling of my world, determined to never again be harnessed, enslaved by other peoples needs and desires. That to send my beloved words, the world I created, the characters I grew to love, to hate, to laugh and cry with....to an unknown fate. was cathartic.
I could have only done this seemingly small thing if, within my mind, I had finally grown strong enough to believe in my own security. Trust in my own personal strengths and feel able to deal with critical appraisal without falling into a puddle of dismembered parts. At last, I am truly free.
I never truly understood the term freedom until 3am my time. To do as I have, to release control willingly has only been possible because I have reached that all important crossroads in my life and made my choices. I will take my adventure to its ultimate endings if it is at all humanly possible. To do so, I must surrender the last vestiges of materialism,fiscal and physical security and demand from myself a rigorous and disciplined life style. Despite my plans to meander the roads and highways of Great Britain in my quest for knowledge, for experiences and adventures as yet unformed. I remain fully aware now, since my e mail sending, that today the 25th of September 2015 is the very first moment in over 23 years that I have let something precious to me, something vulnerable and insecure float away on the breeze of another persons understanding of all they read of my work.
Today
I walk taller than I ever have before.
Susan
