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| My Beautiful Babies 35 years ago |
Because of my life style my contact with all of them is sporadic. Oh I love them, even when I am not in their lives like a conventional Mum I stay in touch, the odd phone call, a message on social sites, the occasional meeting up. But I am not there, not now anyway.
I used to be. I was the constant, the one who was there to be leaned on, relied on, called upon but eventually, as my children grew I became disengaged. They develop their own lifestyles, their own social circles and their own personalities become 'in control' of their adult lives and slowly but surely the distance between us all grows greater.
My eldest girls lives over in Staffordshire, my eldest lad over in France, my youngest girl lives in Crewe my youngest boy lives in Merseyside and there are grand children in Australia and the rest are scattered around their own parents.
So we don't communicate very often, when we do its sporadic, sometimes its all hugs and cuddles, occasionally it is less restful as we gather for a funeral or for a reason less than pleasant.
In the main however, I often get the feeling my children breath a sigh of relief when they don't hear from me, as it means I am off and about on my travels somewhere and not likely to ask for anything or get in the way of whatever they themselves are doing.
That feeling I have stems from when their father disappeared with his younger version female, replacing me as soon as the children where in their teens. I fell apart, my entire world crashed round my ears and within the first 2 years, if I could make a wrong decision I seemed to have cornered the market in doing so...and I became an embarrassment to my poor children. Something they never truly got over. Eventually the children were all settled in their own homes and my own world quietly crumbled into a mess of debts from my now divorced marriage and a huge mortgage I couldn't afford and the inevitable happened, I became homeless.
That was my first and worst moment after a lifetime of dramas unseen and hidden from the world, it was finally a drama I couldn't hide, I was left bereft of comfort and no where to go to.
Not to my children that's for sure, they were all in there first flush of adulthood, the last thing they needed was a crippling mother stay, I couldn't do it to them. When asked 'what will you do? as I disclosed my status, I said simply 'Have an adventure'. So I packed my car with all I could manage, and took off into the wide blue yonder...well not so much blue as teeming with rain and a dark September night. I had no where to go, no one to turn too and no way of providing for myself and so I drove up the M6 and turned off into a wild country lane and slept in my car and there began my first adventure into homelessness..
Now my children are in their 40's and here I am designing The Last Great Adventure. Doras' daughter is going to be an explorer !
If ever one of my family have needed support I have done all I could, moved heaven and earth, sold my own stuff, worked extra shifts, anything, to help. Including letting them sleep in my bed, take over my little one bed flat and stay....I have done all of it. They never had to ask, just let me know what was needed. I have driven 80 miles to baby sit, 400 miles to Nanny,opened my home up and said...sleep here to whichever and whomever needed a place to stay, somewhere to be safe. I've emptied my bank account, sold my things and given them the money. Paid off their debts, filled their bellies and covered their sleeping selves with my own duvet while I've slept in the bath or on the floor with my dressing gown as a blanket. I've taxied and moved stuff and been there for them, all of them, in their hour of need. Not because I wanted anything back, but because they needed and I could help.
They were not really given an opportunity to help me, I hid as much as I could then, and have done so ever since. Part of me wants someone to just wave a magic wand, give me a home I can love and look after me....the other side of me, the rebel, thinks differently and it is the Rebel Cause I am upholding. I am making the best of a bad situation and my resolution to it is.......an adventure,
