We agreed we needed to stay together as a couple, but in our own homes, which has worked rather well ever since. Nothing like being on your own to really test the waters of conscience and commitment. Happily we continue in our personal connection and our own unique way of being 'us', but I still prefer to live, alone.
I swore I would never be dependent or in need of aid from another human being ever again. When my ex did his little runner, it left my family in complete and total disarray and it took me twelve years to work off the debts and the issues he left behind, There was a great deal of emotional damage to sort out for my teenage children and an equal amount of personal identity searching and ego re-training for myself. One person, caused so much hurt and pain that it completely swamped my every day life for years and the choice of being alone came into being with a great deal more strength.
The aids available now, for anyone living alone, were not in existence when my journey first began. Now we have Skype which means I see and speak to my eldest son in France whenever I wish. He has taken me on tours of his home, the land he lives on, introduced me to friends and close extended family all via the Skype app. I can chat to my Mother and a host of others by the same method.
Daily I swap information with people on Facebook who are hundreds, thousands or just a few miles away from where I live. Twitter puts me in touch with more people. E mails again, fill out any empty moments. I can watch TV on my laptop and I can interact on chat rooms in real time, expressing my opinions or simply engaging in a little conversation.Regular contact via my mobile phone enables connections with any number of family and friends if I so desire.
Alone now, is not what it was when I first set out to be that condition. My first Christmas alone, was exactly that, no people, no telephone or computer or mobile phone or even a TV. I had a radio which enabled me to listen to BBC4 and I had my cat, that was it. I filled my days with sewing my grand daughters Nicole and Toni, hand made dollies. I made candles and cakes, painted, drew pictures and created a few small sculptures and generally spoke to not a soul.
Once a fortnight I would go to see my Mother and sister who live together, occasionally I would walk into town or a local shop, but in general it could be 5 or more days before I would speak to another person.I would chat away, unaware that it was overkill. Words would teem from my lips, speeding up as I hastened to get everything 'said' before I would be on my own again. I had not truly come to understand the dark side of choosing aloneness, I suffered the consequences without understanding.
Years passed, I spent two years living in my car, with no outside contact other than the obligatory payment for petrol. No pets, nothing to distract me, I painted with a passion, wrote reams of books which were diaries more than anything. Burning them all at the end of the year in a self created rite of cleansing the past away.
I came to understand that conversation, real live exchanging words with someone to actually hear them. Was preferable to speaking to the dog, the wall or shouting at the TV because I didn't like something I had seen. I discovered a need for human connection but on my terms. I realised that the 'oddity gene' in me, the bit of me that didn't like being too close to people, had always been there. But that it needed regulating if I were to stop myself from becoming 'the mad woman ' in the end house. Or the weir-do in the woods or whatever else society would label me for wishing to avoid complete contact with them.
When my husband had left, and despite my choosing to live alone, I had interacted with people. I had disastrous relationships which only entrenched the idea of being alone. I made poor decisions and equally stupid actions as I struggled to redefine myself. Eventually I discovered my own self. Found where I felt comfortable and then the world wide web made its presence truly felt.Here was my ability to connect together my personal physical aloneness and my need to communicate, to create a beautiful balance.
Mobile phones could now access the Internet, it opened up a new world. I attended college, found a new career and began to look for a proper home. I am still looking. I have lived in my car, a caravan, flats, houses and currently am in the middle of nowhere. Up until four weeks ago my nearest neighbour was two miles away. Surrounded by forests and a river and a zillion ancient trees. I have lived a solitary life for over 25 years with the unfortunate abysmal lapse of two years aforementioned.
My disastrous two years with the BF taught me just how much being alone actually means to me. Going to bed when I wish. Rising when I choose. My choice of programmes, music,food,dress code. My choice of literature and when and how I read a good book. I missed my moments of curling up with a book, a cup of coffee and the peace and quiet of a good read. I missed my bed being my own. I was too far gone in the 'alone' stakes to enjoy sharing.I wanted to laugh out loud uproariously without getting frowned at. I wanted a bath at 2am and none to tell question me. I wanted......my freedom again.
So we parted, still friends, still together but swearing to never live 'with' each other. My slide into 'aloneness' began again, this time with a great deal more certainty. I chose to not only live alone, but to cut off from society as much as was possible. I deliberately isolated myself. I walked my dogs very early or late to avoid human contact. That sort of thing. Now I have different needs. I have to choose to rejoin society for personal reasons.
I am soon to return to the concrete jungles of normal society. From living here, and ten years in particular in beautiful Harlech alongside the sea in splendid isolation of building and neighbour alike. I will enter the dreaded zone of society. The Town!
I am afraid of it. I will be rubbing shoulders with a real neighbour, other people, streets full of cars, houses,people, noise and disruption. I am to return to this society to be closer to my Mother and sister. Yet I will find a lot of society difficult to deal with. I can't stand crowds, and hatred of general noise will be a real issue. The loudest thing I have dealt with for over a decade has been the cries of the local birds as they sing the dawn chorus.
Eventually I will isolate myself again. At the appropriate time, I will find a place, away from the world and his wife. Find my inner sense of peace and safety. I don't like the human race very much, an awful lot of people seem to want to hurt each other, judge each other. I like my quiet, with the occasional foray out to do a spot of shopping and a chit chat...Then back to my womb like home with its gadgetry and capability to speak to the world...or turn the electric supply off and reign in supreme isolation. Queen of all I survey and not a human subject in sight. I love, living alone.
